I Know I Need Boundaries… Why Do I Feel So Guilty Setting Them?
If you’ve ever said “I know I need boundaries” and immediately followed it with “…but I feel terrible when I actually set them,” you are very much not alone.
Right now, social media is full of posts encouraging people to say no, to family, to work, to partners, to emotional labor. And yet, many people walk away from those “empowered” moments feeling anxious, guilty, or even ashamed.
So what gives? If boundaries are supposed to be healthy, why do they feel so uncomfortable?
Let’s unpack what’s really happening beneath the guilt, and why it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
Boundary Guilt Isn’t a Character Flaw, It’s a Nervous System Response
One of the biggest myths about boundaries is that discomfort means you’re being selfish or harsh. In reality, guilt often shows up because your nervous system is reacting to change.
If you’ve spent years (or decades) being the helper, the fixer, the easy one, or the responsible one, your body learned that connection came from compliance. Saying yes kept the peace. Saying no felt risky.
So when you set a boundary now, your nervous system may interpret it as danger, even if intellectually you know it’s healthy.
That anxious feeling after setting a boundary?
It’s often your body saying, “This is unfamiliar.” Not “This is wrong.”
People-Pleasing Is Learned, Not Who You Are
Many people struggling with boundary guilt identify as people-pleasers, but that label can be misleading.
People-pleasing isn’t a personality trait. It’s a survival strategy.
It often develops in environments where:
Love or safety felt conditional
Conflict felt unpredictable or overwhelming
You learned to manage other people’s emotions to stay connected
If you grew up learning that your needs were “too much,” setting boundaries later in life can activate old fears:
What if they’re mad at me?
What if I disappoint them?
What if I’m seen as difficult or selfish?
That doesn’t mean you’re bad at boundaries, it means you’re unlearning a role that once protected you.
Guilt Doesn’t Mean the Boundary Is Wrong
One of the most important shifts I encourage clients to make is this:
Guilt is information, not instruction.
Feeling guilty doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something wrong. Often, it simply means:
You broke a familiar pattern
You prioritized yourself in a new way
Someone else is adjusting to a version of you they’re not used to
In fact, boundary guilt is often a sign that you’re growing.
Healthy boundaries can coexist with discomfort, especially at first.
Why Boundaries Can Increase Anxiety Before They Reduce It
Another reason boundaries feel so hard is that they temporarily increase anxiety.
When you stop over-explaining, over-giving, or over-functioning, there’s a pause, a space where you’re no longer managing everyone else’s reactions. That space can feel unsettling if you’re used to being in control through caretaking.
But over time, boundaries tend to:
Reduce resentment
Improve emotional safety
Create more honest relationships
Decrease chronic anxiety and burnout
The short-term discomfort often leads to long-term relief.
A Gentler Way to Practice Boundaries
If you’re working on boundaries and people-pleasing anxiety, here are a few reframes that can help:
You don’t need to earn rest, space, or autonomy
Discomfort doesn’t mean danger
You can be kind and firm at the same time
Other people’s feelings are real, and still not your responsibility to fix
Try noticing guilt without immediately acting on it. Let it rise, peak, and fall without undoing your boundary. That’s how your nervous system learns that you’re safe.
You’re Not Bad at Boundaries, You’re Learning Them
If boundaries feel hard, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re practicing something new, something your system wasn’t taught early on.
Boundaries are not walls. They’re clarity.
And clarity often feels uncomfortable before it feels empowering.
If this resonates, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.
